Do you ever abandon yourself and get sucked into another's crisis? Do you take on their miseries like they are your own? If you are single, it is important to be on guard for dates who have a need to blame or complain. They can be quite compelling in their story of sadness and can prevail upon your loving heart.

It is important to distinguish between people who have come upon hard times and need a helping hand....from those who lead their life, one crisis to the next, and seem to need their problems to identify them.

Be on guard for those who must tell one sad or crazy story after another. If they don't have something to complain about, they go looking for it. It's not that we don't all go through rough times. But these people hang on to them, nurse them, and get mileage out of them.

Victims are those who complain all the time that someone or something is blocking their happiness, security, or ability to do what they want or need. They remain in a perpetual state of unhappiness, also keeping those around them in turmoil. They are unknowingly addicted to upset, and it's always someone else's fault.

If you let yourself become absorbed by their cyclone of misery , you will not be available for the love and relationship you say you want.

If you are a caring person who is a good listener, how can you stop a knee-jerk reaction to taking on the problems of victims?

* You need reserves.

Make sure you have your reserves of energy, money, happiness, and health, well stocked before you extend into another's territory of trauma. Set some safe limitations on what you can and cannot do.

* Assess the situation.

Is the person who is having a crisis always in a victim mode? If so, refer them to a coach, counselor, psychologoist, or spiritual adviser. If the person does not want to get help to solve the situation, but instead, wants to put it off on you...beware.

* Check your own ego.

It may be flattering to be selected as the only person who can help, but you are setting yourself up to being in a quagmire of unsolvable problems. Even if you help the person get one issue resolved, 10 more will appear overnight.

* Ask yourself why you need to get involved with a blamer and complainer.

One question might be, "What is there in my life that I might be running away from that makes me vulnerable to this person's plight?" Do you have unresolved conflicts, and being around theirs makes yours seem small...or forgotten?

Caring and kind people can become caught in the problems of blamers and complainers, and let themselves be used without realizing that they are not helping the situation...they are contributing to it.

Stay present to what is important for you to focus on to make your life fabulous. This is how you attract and find someone wonderful. Someone who does not need to blame and complain.

Tonja Weimer

Tonja Evetts Weimer is a Master Certified singles relationship and life coach, speaker, syndicated columnist and author.

Tonja is a full time professional coach with a practice in Greenville, SC. She helps individuals, especially singles, re-craft their lives and find happiness and success in their career and relationships. Some of Tonja's professional activities include:

==> Syndicated singles relationship columnist, writing SAVVY DATING, a weekly column read by over a million readers in many U.S newspapers. Tonja's column addresses relationship and life issues of interest to all adults, but particularly to the over 110 million singles in the U.S. Tonja has also had articles published in New Woman, Hope, and House Beautiful magazines, and has won 3 Matrix Awards for her writing.

==> Motivational speaker, Tonja has been a keynote presenter at national and international conferences over the last 30 years.

==> Author of materials for educators and parents (7 books, six music albums and 2 videos), which have won 22 awards.

Some Speaking and Media Highlights:

==> Keynote speaker for 2004 Women?s Issues Network Conference, Sumter, SC.

==> Keynote speaker for 2002 Parents as Teachers International Conference, St. Louis, MO.

==> Keynote speaker for 1999 International Conference for Children & Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder.

==> Keynote speaker for 1998 European Education Conference, in Mannheim, Germany.

==> Keynote speaker in 35 U.S. states at educational conferences.

==> Presenter at the International Special Olympics in Notre Dame, at the request of Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

==> Created Space Songs for Children, at the request of NASA (album taken into space by astronauts three times.)

==> Appeared on CNN?s Showbiz Today and many other TV shows.

Educational and Professional Qualifications:

==> National Fellow (U.S. Dept. of Education.) M.A. in Human Development and Education, with an emphasis on creativity.

==> Master Certified Singles Relationship Coach, Relationship Coaching Institute.

==> Personal Life Coach, Graduate, Institute for Life Coach Training.

==> Member, International Coaching Federation