[Headlong] "Come...hier bitte...Gnter,"? [here please] asked Carmen, distinctly; again getting caught with her thinking in English and German at the same time. "Ja...?"? said Gnter, eyes moving kind of nervously, as he took in a deep breath as if to say: now what. She was about to make a headlong assault on him, as he seemed to have already guessed; and he clearly wasn't ready for it. Then it came out of her mouth like a quivering landslide: "I am bloody sick of your thinking I do not know my job because of my age!"? she said this half aloud, as if she had not the energy to say it louder" ?but wanted to" ?for lack of sleep; she was completely fatigued. Said Gnter, with tack and calmness, "You don't have to worry about me; I know what I'm doing!"? then caught his breath, adding: "...my dear, we are both grown-ups, are we not?"? The dry heat had left thick warmth on her lips, as she tried to think of what to say next, "What is that?"? she said with squinting eyes that really meant: what the hell are you talking about. As he stood there he had figured she must have had another bad night, I mean a real bad night. "Listen Gnter, you always seem amused with me..."? before she could say another word, he interrupted. "Thanks for the thought Ms Schmidt, but I'm too busy with my own life, I'm not worth all your trouble. I'm too old for this."? And he turned about and went back to his kitchen work. He grunted, and talked to himself as he walked: "Lauft was Gutes im Kino?"? " ?She was akin to water being moved by wind, the old man thought as he started to batter some of the dough for the pizza. 'Her mind shifts like the wind, she lives in a suspicious world of her own,' he mumbled inside his head that might have dripped out of his mouth. Then he just shook his head and added some salt and other spices to some pizza-dough. 4 (Quidam timore mortis orabant ((Pliny the Younger)) "Some, through fear of death, prayed to die"?. Gnter walks back to his kitchen leaving Carmen to her own thoughts and went back to preparing, remade [but not cooked] pizzas, for the soon to be or come customers. It made no sense to him that she would be so disturbed so easily, but he knew in an hour or so she'd be ok, she always was, he told himself. It was those long nights she seemed to have, or so he guessed, what else could it be [?] " ?She put her manicure things away, along with shoving the letters, and working papers to the side of the table and making a gesture of dismissal to Gnter whom had already walked away anyhow, walked away a few minutes ago, as she had just stared as if in outer space" ?blank [straight ahead], she was having a delayed reaction in sensory and motion. She mumbled to the air: '...men always discard you once you let go of your reserve.' Carmen, she never really retracted her accusations to Gnter, or for that matter, Adam her current boyfriend, or anyone in general, apart from the owner, Adolph. Most of her friends accepted her emotional outbursts as part of her" ?silently at least, unjust or not. It was often irrelevant to her of the hurt she may have inflicted. The issue may be, she was willing to inflict it in the first place; whereas, it seemed more of a defense mechanism than a hidden motive to insult for the pleasure of hurting. " ?Next, as Gnter glanced through the kitchen door, Carmen was busy again with the bills, if anything it eased his mind knowing her mind was off him. After that, he noticed Gertrude had arrived a little early" ?who was more agreeable to her, they were like sisters one could say. Said Gertrude to Carmen, in a soft calming voice, to relax her, "I should think Mr. Gunderson is so busy, he concentrates so hard on his cooking and mixing, he forgets there is another world outside the kitchen."? That made Carmen laugh a ting, and Gnter a little irritated, save for the fact he knew she was trying to put out a fire; for his sake, and so she could go on the rest of the day not thinking about this little burst of energy she had with him awhile ago, so he didn't take her comment as an insult. "Yes, oh yes, I suppose your right, Gertrude. He means well, and I know men believe what they want to, anyhow, not sure why I squander my time getting mad at him."? "Did you have a bad night, last night?"? Gertrude said empathically. "They're always bad, all of them, or at least most all of them lately,"? she said with taking in a deep breath of air, and holding it in her abdomen so she could let it out, all at once and get a release" ?a good exhale. "What's Mr. Gunderson doing now?"? asked Gertrude, as if she didn't know. "Oh, go tell him everything's ok when you get a minute, I think you want to, you're my big sister, the one I never had. Matter-of-fact, tell him after I go, I got to...go..."? she thought for a moment, kind of went blank, then said as if in a fog was lifting, "...Ich gehe zur Post, zum Postamt...(I'm going to the Post Office); I need to get some fresh air...."? She then stood up as if she was lost again, in some time zone (possibly fighting her ill-temper), as Gertrude watched her push her chair in, under the table, and leave without another reaction. 5 There were times when Adam frightened Carmen, and when she brought this up to him, his reply was simply: "I must be exciting" ?", and silence would befall Carmen. What an answer she thought, could he not come up with something better? As she drove her car to the Post Office several blocks away, her mind shifted to early twilight, the night before when he had come over to her apartment, as he usually did a number of times during the week and stay over until midnight or so, and then leave; he'd never stay over night the whole night, not anymore, anyway; not wanting to deal with her in the middle of the night, especially with her nightmares. Anyhow, he was going to kiss her but decided not to, she was concentrating on something else. Adam looked away, lit a cigarette then. He then pondered on: does she not think there is a limit to her justifying her outbursts, or out of nowhere she had stopped a sexual advancement and questioned him where he was all day, which was at work, but a jealousy was developing; was there no limit to this? In point of fact, he had gone to a party and afterwards she somehow knew it, possibly [he considered]: '...she may have even followed me.' He didn't know how she knew, but she did. Yet, she wasn't true to him either, so he figured, so why should he be true to her, was his thinking. She looked over at Adam again; nothing seemed to bother him which irritated her even more. An indifferent sneer she labeled it. "You have an answer for everything,"? she said with a sarcastic tone to her voice. To Adam, his not responding was simply not interfering with her mood, hoping it would fade away into oblivion. "Adam,"? she asked in a demanding voice, "what am I to you?"? "?I thought you knew, I thought I've told you a number of times,"? was his answer. One thing Adam didn't like was what most women had learned, was to make sacrifices quietly, and not to expect a thank you from men all the time. This she protested against" ?plus, she'd not feed his illusions as most men wanted. "If you have, it must have slipped my mind,"? she said in repose. "Maybe we both feel important to one another, just because we need to."? He commented. "Oh,"? added Carmen, "I'm your stray cat in need of love, and you need to feel mannish, or like to be in charge, so you jump in bed with me, what exactly are you made of?"? Everything went quiet for a moment. "Well,"? said Carmen, "a woman either loves or hates, there is little in-between (she thought: where did I pick that up)."? Adam wanted to leave that alone, in fear he'd put her in another mood swing, and all hell would break loose. He lay besides her, softly caressing her shoulder, thinking how nice it was in the past when he didn't realize her unbearable strain was present, her bewilderment, that he was now infected with. At times it was unendurable. But she'd always say, "Ich Liebe dich..."? (I love you), which was hard for him to say, but he loved hearing it in German, it was, as he told her on many occasions, more poetic than English. [Carmen's Hate] "Is it true,"? asked Adam, "...women outshine men in scheming? or so I've heard someplace?"? Said Carmen with an irritated voice and a forced blush "You're a lover and akin to a torch that grows brighter when shaken."? She seemed now to have changed again, and Adam was a good lover, but could be forceful, even hard handed at times. "I wish you'd stay overnight again, my nights are a flurry, long and troubling... quite trying, is more like it I suppose."? She looked out her window, she knew he'd go, but she was begging nonetheless, again, and again for him to be there with her, be there when she was having her nightmares and so when she'd opened her eyes he'd be there, and she'd know it was all right, everything was fine, he would hold her, she'd be safe. But it was too much to expect. " ?She was now at the Post Office. And so she walked in, handed the clerk the letters, and as she took them, she greeted a few of the women she knew and men, they had eaten at her Pizzeria a few times, then left quietly, and drove over to the military base in Babenhausen, some eight miles away, and to the PX. Adam was on her mind, and she might just as well surprise him by stopping by and seeing him, then get him off her mind, and see if he was coming over again this evening. Furthermore, Augsburg, Germany came to mind, as often times it did. Where she lived with her father when she was young, they'd walk the Lech and Wertach river together, hand in hand; hers being so small, they'd fit right into his, as if it was a pocket. She liked the Rathaus Town Hall also, built in 1615 AD; it was a master piece of construction. And she liked Augsburg in general, it has a long history, dating back to 15 BC, named after Augustus, of Rome; built as a Roman compound. As her mind now slipped back to Adam, she assured herself, she'd try to be more accommodating than she was before: so she told herself. Adam was the General Manager of the little PX (kind of an all around store, mostly grocery store). As she pulled up in front of the Post Store [PX], Adam saw her through the window and left immediately, having Sofia-Marie taking the cash register, his assistant. He was happy to see her" ?in a way; that was the problem, he was if anything, becoming co-dependent, or put another way, addicted to her. "How was the night, bad again?"? he asked her as he leaned into her car window on the passenger's side. Almost as if he was saying: see I knew you'd have a bad night and that is why I had to leave. "I enjoyed getting into bed with you last night,"? she commented to Adam, to lure him back into it, this evening: "Why not stay over another night, make it two nights in a row?"? which was not uncommon, but not nearly the norm either for both of them. She added, "I promise you, really I do, I promise you I will be good."? She said in an awe-stirring and jumpy way. "Sure, why not,"? he said with a smile, thinking: what worse could happen. "I'll be over after I do my bookwork and stuff."? And that was that. Carmen then took off quickly, and her mind was free to go back to the bistro, to her Pizzeria for work. For him, for Adam, the compassion he had to feed her was fading with each new day, or so it seemed. He'd tell her but she was so much into the affair, more now than he was. It wasn't long ago when he was much more into it than she though, how things reverse themselves, or have their cycles. They had both said they loved each other, although marriage was never brought into the picture, it would seem progression would lead it that way, even by inertia" ?and so the thoughts had been there for each other at different times. He liked her looks, her short hair, her smell of soapy cleanness, and her style of dress, it was in a way all so perfect. She was smart and sharp, sometimes too smart for him...better put: she was smarter than him, and she knew it, and held it in. But similar to him, who got a good Federal Government position after leaving the Army, and she had her mother's friend hire her as the manager of the guesthouse...her mother living in Frankfurt like a hidden mouse, a hermit, having told her time and again, she was done with people per se, and preferred her quiet hidden life away from it all; in a way, an unfettered life, free from it all. Sometimes in the mornings when he'd meet her in the park, Tower Park, before they'd both open up their shops of work, she'd sit on the bench twisting her fingers relentlessly. It was times like that, that he dreaded his passion and love for her, and it got twisted, call it an illusion of fear, a fear he'd have to take care of her somewhere medically along life's short or long line, and he wasn't prepared for that. Oh, I suppose she would have taken care of him in a heart-beat, if he had such problems, if they married (that's the way she loved, or wanted to love), but he knew he couldn't love that way, married or not. Right or wrong, it was just the way it was, or he was. His love had conditions I suppose one might say, and neurosis was not part of the package he wanted, if that was really what she had, and he was not a doctor, but it was a good word to label her with he figured, in lack of a better one. His reaction was becoming a fearful one, one that saw a demigod in the play of their lives. To her it was just nightmares, and depression, and sleepless nights in her life that brought on a kind of hyper, or abrasiveness to her irritated emotional makeup, her life in general, which of course was becoming plagued with it. He said to himself: he still loved her, just not enough; and the love that was left, was drawing a silence to it. Adam knew she was a snob most of the time, she even applied it with tack, always snow with salt. And he knew her fear, and as she knew his male weakness, both were ripe for blackmail in any serious dialogue, if one wanted to hurt the other. Thus, it was better I suppose on both of their parts not to be too quick to judge the other, or verbally do so; and so often silent stares took the place of verbal attacks. She had pulled up with her car to her apartment now in Dieburg. |
