I have been Free and Safe for eleven years, and yes, you may applaud! Instead of wasting my remaining years in hatred, sitting alone and bemoaning my fate - and I was beaten savagely, shot, stabbed, strangled and suffocated, and then there was the spitting in my face, humiliation, rape and other psychological wounds -I have slowly rebuilt my life.

Yes, I believe in an higher power. No, I do not attribute my recovery to being born-again - as I have known my Creator since birth. That is a beautiful transformation that can wash away all your self-hatred, but mine experience was uniquely mine.

Mine was not an instant occurrence, I have spent as long fixing me as he spent brutalizing and breaking me. Along my journey I learned a lot, who I am, who he was, why and how to break the chains of that co-dependant relationship syndrome.

For the most part the word abuser is an anathema, a mental picture of a hulking beast waiting for a chance to pounce - and that is a pretty accurate picture!

We know women fall to the wiles of these men through low self-esteem, Shadow Women wanting to be loved and praised. However, when we take an honest, open look at abusers, they change in our perspective. Not enough to keep us from fearing and loathing them, but a deeper concept of why they abuse.

My abuser was a boy born into abject poverty to a single woman in West Virginia. As the oldest of his six brothers and sisters, he was leaned on as provider and man of the house, a heavy load for a child of six or seven. There was no welfare system in those times and most people would have rather gone without than ask their betters for help. So my abuser walked six miles to a country store to get tinned milk for his baby brother. Of course the grocery man knew he was stealing, but had sympathy for the situation.

So - here we have a young boy who is forced to be an adult instead of being able to play and have fun. Here, also, is a little boy of malleable age being taught to steal. How do I figure that? His mother taught him by complicity. She knew those tins of milk were stolen, but she had a frail baby to feed. Instead of learning that stealing is wrong - to him it became a noble duty. Add the silent teachings of a grocery clerk who looked the other way, and you have the seed of a thief.

People in that region, hard-working people with nothing often were hard in their hearts. Smack that kid upside the head and teach him something! Yes, teach him to bottle up his rage inside - teach him that passing that fist of rage on to someone else made him feel better. He was not taught that violence is wrong. And this applies to boys in any part of the USA, in ghettos, inner city, even high-end neighborhoods. Then we must factor in that in the era of the 50s and back to earlier years, women were not a prized package and many considered a smack to the face as nothing more than if you disciplined your dog for getting in the garbage.

Yes, there have been gigantic steps forward in womens rights and equality, but there still remains that vague value-system, especially in poor, uneducated people.

Shadow Men are insecure, think they are nothing. So, in order for a relationship to work, they have beat down the womans will until she is submissive - then he sees her as an equal. He has drug her down into the slime with him.

Abusers are ignorant, self-absorbed, ego-oriented to an extent that all they care about is instant gratification of their wants and needs. Abusers never learn love and devotion. If a woman fights back, they replace her with a more complacent model.

To an abuser love is - a woman doing what it takes to make her man happy. It has nothing to do with self, just selfishness. My abuser would become angry and deny me his attention, glare at me (which was a trigger from my abusive relationship with my father) and I would give in. I so wanted him to be nice to me that I accepted anything just to be in his good graces. They may not truly understand how they manipulate, but their instinct is flawless. Shadow Women crave heroes who will carry them away and make everything a fantasy world.

Thus, we come to violence. I was so badly abused as a child that I thought nothing of the first slaps and pushes. That was the pattern ingrained in me to accept. Things a healthy woman would have ended the relationship for, were things I thought were normal.

I was blind to the fact that I was smarter than him, stronger than him. That I actually did the work of the relationship, bailed him out of jail, out of jams and made sure we had what we needed. I was blind to the fact that I had a medical career and made eleven dollars an hour, and 14 years ago that was a fine salary for someone with my education.

I was blind to the fact the I owned the car, the duplex, gave him money. . . and to those of you shaking your heads - it is just fact. Shadow Women want love so badly that they cry tears of joy and brag about the flowers he gave her - blind to the knowledge that she had provided the money in the first place.

Abusers are loathsome. Abusers are broken, thrown-away little boys who have no life skills. An abuser who acts like a martinet at home will cow down to a police officer or jail employee. Yes, sir, boss is a familiar phrase in prisons and jails.

BULLIES BULLY WHO THEY CAN. My father-in-law was a bully and abusive to my mother-in-law. Those were the days when I would face down any size man. Bill would be drunk at holiday dinners. One day I accidentally saw him squeezing her arm for some infraction in his universe. The hold was so tight the flesh bulged out around his fingers.

He would make a sloppy mess, wolfing his food, part of it always hanging out of his mouth. He didnt want us there - infringing on his home, he was a stepfather to the children of his wife. Long before anyone else finished eating he would be up taking their plates away. The second dinner, when he reached for my plate, I hit his knuckles with my butter knife and told him I wasnt through. He was nasty, but he backed down - as he would have to any of them strong enough to set limits.

We are who we are taught we are. For men it is a stronger teaching because they crave love and acceptance, yet alienate people from them - never understanding why.

I have no sympathy for abusers, but I feel it is healthy to understand what makes them who they are. Until women are aware and educated, abuse will continue its ugly cycle.